All of the words I said out loud for S01E33 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. Come in and sit down. Here, have this cup of Longjing tea. And if you bear with me, I should have...
...ah, here, a box of chocolates. They're my favourites, After Eights.
And how about this? Lovely bottle of wine for you. It's tesco's finest merlot(t). I'm sure I've got some spare mugs around here somewhere if you need one.
Oh and one more thing, I think it's fairly traditional to have flowers correct? Here, a lovely big bouquet of thistles. And brilliantly, they're all dyed different colours. Very pretty. I think there's gloves somewhere in the office if you're struggling with those.
And now I've provided wine, flowers and chocolate, do you want to go on a date? We could...
F/X - Shuffling notes.
(Stilted) ...have a nice walk in the park, or enjoy a roast in the pub on Sunday. Or take them, er you to a restaurant you, er I, I, I like. Or how about long walks on the beach at sunset?
What do you mean, why you?
You come in here fairly frequently, which indicates you share an interest with me in audio fiction, you look roughly age appropriate, so neither of us will run afoul of the divide by two and add seven rule, and you don't work for the library. As far as I can tell, that makes you a perfect candidate.
It's been quite a productive morning actually. You're the fourth perfect candidate I've had. And I've only had five visitors. The unsuitable one had wandered in looking for true crime shows about serial killers by mistake. I've no desire to court a demented psychopath. I'll certainly not be having any of that in a relationship I'm forced into.
Yes, forced into.
It's all about this memo that came round yesterday you see. Here, let me read it.
F/X - More paper rustling.
"From the Library Director to all employees.
In light of internal discussions regarding acceptable employer-employee relationships and the power dynamics inherent in a hierarchical staff structure such as the Library, particularly those comments at the most recent committee meeting about the Library's leadership, it is required that Library employees will maintain relationships outside of the Library staff."
So I've got to find someone who doesn't work here to engage in a certain minimum level of romance. I've been doing a bit of research to figure out how it works by listening to appropriate shows, such as this one about wedding planners, this one about duelling podcasters and this one about a very chill duck.
I think I'm getting the hang of it now, which is why I've started propositioning people. Seems like the most sensible next step. I mean sure, there are things like Loads of Cod and Alright Eros, but when visitors come right into my office, I already know they're interested in what I have to say. It's an easy way to find prospects, dates, partners, marriage options and a few other things.
So would you be interested? Well what else would it take?
I know, people are always intrigued by possibilities, right? In that case, I've got four possibilities right here, in the form of these new show trailers. Here, let me tease you with those.
First up, it's Mars' Best Brisket. A long time from now on a planet that's right next to ours, an Earthling couple decide to open up the very first vegan brisket restaurant on Mars. And when you're the first, you're also the best. Mars' Best Brisket is a limited run, audio sci-fi restaurant sitcom. It's also a charity event, raising money for The Lovin' Spoonfuls, a food rescue located in Boston, Mass.
[CLIP - Mars' Best Brisket]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, White Privilege, the Radio Play. As Black networks pass on hiring light-skinned Black and Jewish reporter, Ashley Allen, ultra-conservative news network, Sly News, can't tell that Ashley's a woman of color. Instead of revealing the truth, Ashley decides to pass as white.
[CLIP - White Privilege: Radio Play]
THE LIBRARIAN: And this week's RPG, Eberron Chronicles: Oracle of War. a Dungeons & Dragons 5th edition "PodioBook" (podcast/audiobook) playing through a Wizards of the Coasts Adventurers League Campaign.
[CLIP - Eberron Chronicles: Oracle of War]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, Carcerem. In Aaru, a land torn apart by a fear of magic, and ruled by brutal mercenaries, two young friends leave the only home they’ve ever known to find the one who could save them all.
[CLIP - Carcerem]
THE LIBRARIAN: And that's that. What do you say, feeling romancey? You're certainly doing better than candidates 2 and 3, who left in really quite a hurry. Tell you what, no pressure, get back to me on the Library's Twitter account. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheerio!