All of the words I said out loud for S01E41 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Camera shutters click. Birds gently tweet in the background.
Hello there. Thank you for coming to my press conference here in the Library of Audio Fiction's Rose Garden. I hope you appreciate it, I spent a lot of effort supervising the gardeners working on it.
I've called you here today to announce that I have used my little grey cells to work out which one of you is ze murderer!
No, no sorry, just always wanted to do that. But it might not be entirely appropriate right now.
You're actually here because I'm sure by now you've seen the report produced by the Library's management into my behaviour, which alleges that I knowingly and wilfully berated and indeed physically assaulted the office photocopier.
Now I'm not here to cast aspersions on the report writer's character. I'm not going to tell you that I've seen them, late in the fiction office at night, listening to... true crime!
F/X - Organ scare chord.
That would probably be slanderous.
For the same reasons, I'm not going to tell you that I've seen them return tapes to the archive without rewinding them, or that they once picked up one of the shows with jammy hands. That would also be slanderous, even if possibly true. I've certainly seen them... eating jam sandwiches!
F/X - Organ scare chord.
What? No, I will not put this organ away. It's atmospheric.
But that's beside the point. What really matters is that I was allegedly seen kicking the photocopier when it constantly and maliciously failed to print in colour, and also when it decided to misfeed paper multiple times.
Now I know some people consider this behaviour inappropriate for an office environment, but I've never intentionally been mean to a printer. What people saw is my strong management style, based on my need to get stuck in and fix the problem, and I know some people don't always respect that. I'm sorry if those people think they feel bad.
And yes, I'm also aware people think that I tried to convince management to tone down the report slightly. This is, of course, ridiculous. Who hasn't, every now and then, popped into their bosses office, and accidentally left behind a cup of Nilgiri tea served with the very nice biscuits? And which of us, in our heart of hearts, can honestly say they've never, just on a whim, offered use of the particularly comfy desk chair to a colleague? As an aside, I would also like it noted on the record that the chair was returned with a coffee stain on the left armrest.
I think it's also worth noting that other people can behave badly. For example, there's this woman who makes deals with terrible consequences, this chap who attacks the world with giant robot squid, and someone who turns your brain to jelly just by looking at them. Those are all definitely real examples, and not made up at all.
But to summarise, I hope this apology is adequate, and we can all move on.
What? Is now really the time? Apparently I am contractually obliged, no matter what I'm doing, to share a number of trailers if someone happens to ask. And since this is a press briefing, of course one of you nosy devils decided to ask questions. Bit of a weird thing to pick to ask about, but you're the professionals. Fine then.
First, Beyond the Veil. Two not-friends, an RV, and a magical Canadian road trip. Tennyson and Alder had known each other about six months when Alder's mysterious fae bosses asked them to set out across the country in an old RV, solving people's magical problems. Too bad neither of them asked the important questions. Too bad their secrets might be hazardous to their health.
[CLIP - Beyond the Veil]
Then, The Martian Broadcast. In 1938, a group of talented artists known as The Mercury Theatre on the Air, led by Orson Welles, created a spectacle that changed the course of broadcast history forever by terrifying a nation with a staged alien invasion. This is the story of how the infamous War of the Worlds radio drama came to be and how it almost never was...
[CLIP - The Martian Broadcast]
Then, The Gaia Miracles. Join Barry Orsen, a journalist with Nice Guise Media, as he investigates the Gaia Miracles more than a year after the catastrophic ending in Chicago and the disappearance of Elisa Garvey, his friend and the first reporter to witness one of the Miracles. With each interview, the established story unravels. Who is to blame? The industrial giant at the center of the Miracles, The Hydell Corporation, or the mysterious group who made them a target, Gaia Prime.
[CLIP - The Gaia Miracles]
And finally, in Spirit Box Radio, the new host, the spiritually-challenged Sam Enfield, does his best to guide you through queries about contacting the otherside, advice for the magically inclined, and general guidance for those seeking to participate in the spookier side of life and death. Tune in, get spooky.
[CLIP - Spirit Box Radio]
And that's that. I hope this is an end to the whole sorry affair, but if you still have concerns, feel free to direct them to our official twitter, @AudioDramaDebut. I'm letting the intern try running it this week.
F/X - Organ scare chord.
Anyway, cheerio!