All of the words I said out loud for S01E45 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there, come in, and help yourself to a mince pie and a sherry. I'm afraid you've caught me on my way out the door, as I'm just about to disappear for my Christmas holidays, and I'm not likely to be back until the 10th of January.
That does rather mean I've not got any trailers for you, as they've all been locked away. All I've got left are these scraps of tape here. They were in a box labelled "Secret Library Surveillance Offcuts". No idea what that means, but you're welcome to have a listen, should you choose.
Regardless, I'm off until the new year. Merry Christmas!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Well, the idiot has been attempting to our social media account to find new sos...new shows. There's too many shows in this. What are you doing? Stop it. Cease.
ME: [Weird mumbling.]
SKITTYCAT: Stop it. Would you...oh good lord. What, what, you can't change the script part way through. I hope you're going to keep all these for a blooper show at the end of the year or something. Well, seems sensible to me. Anyway! [Clears throat]
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: I don't know why the Director won't let me process him...oh bollocksing fuck. Aaaaaargh.
SKITTYCAT: Continued argh.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: One day I'm going to have you just write the scripts, for the next however many episodes, and I'm just going to do them all at once, so I get the same voice!
ME: It's topical, I can't work like that!
SKITTYCAT: Well...then...urgh...damnit.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
ME: As you know, I've been zuchen into the zukunft Kapitan. There's going to be krieg here...
F/X - Door opens.
ME: Door noises!
SKITTYCAT: Sorry. But also, you're not from the Library of Audio Drama, you're from the Library of Audio German!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Fuck you! Fuck you in German!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: What are the other lines? So it's just "post".
ME: You wanted to just say post! You're just saying post.
SKITTYCAT: Well that's why I'm the post witch!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Post post post post! (To the tune of Ride of the Valkyries.) [Breaks into laughter] It's funny!
ME: Okay. You're not taking this seriously.
SKITTYCAT: No I'm not.
ME: Stop mocking my work as an artiste!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Remember you're not paying me.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Regardless, after we spotted him trying to drag a large bucket in here.
SKITTYCAT: [Corpsing.] Warned you about this. [More corpsing.] You're making it worse! You made it worse!
ME: We've got to get past this barrier.
SKITTYCAT: Okay. That's not a detail I want to repeat. Regardless, after we... [Continued corpsing.]
ME: Let's come back to this.
SKITTYCAT: Noooo, it's got to be done in one take.
ME: It's not been done in one take. This is take seven.
SKITTYCAT: Oh god. You did this. You wrote it. Okay. Stop it! You're not making it easier.
SKITTYCAT: Regardless, after we spotted him trying to take a large...fuck it. [Corpsing, with weird squeaking noises.]
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: That is untrue. Anyway.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT (with a robot voice): Blah blah blah...rubbish by the Librarian...blah blah blah...holiday...blah blah blah.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT(with a robot voice): Why don't you love me?
ME (with a robot voice): No one loves a robot.
SKITTYCAT (with a robot voice): I love me, stop wheeling me away from the microphone, whyyyyy.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT (with a robot voice): Ess eff ex. Sad beep. Beeeeep.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
ME: I've got one accent that I can do badly. If I learn two accents I can do badly, I'll do them both at the same time.
SKITTYCAT (being obnoxiously French): Zis is true.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Would I bang Mulder?
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
ME: Is the Queen not fiction?
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: What's wrong with my pumpkin spice latte? Um, excuse you. I have few things I enjoy in life, and pumpkin spice latte is one of them. I don't care that you think it's basic.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: For god's sake stop slamming the door you dick.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT:You're gonna merge it in with everything else, aren't you?
ME: I am, yes, but give us a third one.
SKITTYCAT:Oh god...on the...I'll just do it in French.
(Starting in French accent and smoothly transitioning to...Scottish?): On ze twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping oh fuck. [Corpsing] Eleven pipers fucking.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
ME ("singing"): Four spooky towns, three nat ones, ten crypt...ten? Ten? No! Two cryptid hunts. Stop laughing in the background, I need silence.
SKITTYCAT: How many cryptid hunts you going on...you're a series of supernatural.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SKITTYCAT: Anyway, that's it for this week. And never say I...well I kind of tailed off there, and forget what I was saying.
ME: Okay, let's stop recording now.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.