All of the words said out loud for S02E15 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped. Fire gently crackles in the background.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. Come in and...
F/X - Phone rings.
Hang on.
F/X - Phone picked up.
Hello?
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
No, no, I can't sort your late fees, I don't care how good your excuse is, you have to pay them. Good day.
F/X - Phone hung up.
Sorry, please sit down and help yourself to some Mary Grey.
Welcome back to the Library of Audio Fiction. I assume you're here to enjoy our dramas, books, stories, actual plays and...
F/X - Phone rings.
Excuse me one moment.
F/X - Phone picked up.
Hello?
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
No, I don't want to buy new wallpaper. I don't care if it is the good stuff from John Lewis, I'm not interested. Good day.
F/X - Phone hung up.
Sorry, there's been a slight IT problem this week. Someone, possibly not me, accidentally put the Library Director's phone number on the website, and there's been really quite a lot of calls. I've got her phone redirected to mine, and I'm trying to intercept until it calms down.
I must confess, I hadn't realised quite how many strange people were on the Internet.
Now, what were you here for?
F/X - Phone rings.
Oh for...
F/X - Phone picked up.
Hello?
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
Well my favourite shows are probably this improvised one about a religious organisation that turns good deeds into money, this one about a secret part of Starfleet, and this one about punching and reading.
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
I'm wearing my standard dark blue waistcoat and a cravat of course.
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
I don't see how my underwear is any business of yours.
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
Lick what? No, absolutely not. Good day!
F/X - Phone hung up.
Good lord, some people. Now, where were we? You'd come in about trailers, had you? Well luckily I have...
F/X - Phone rings.
Argh. Hello?
F/X - Standard person on a telephone sound.
No, this isn't a private car hire firm. I absolutely can't sort your taxis for you. Good day!
F/X - Phone hung up.
Good grief, I'm getting her wrong numbers as well now.
Where was I? Oh yes, trailers. I've got four lined up here on the trailer machine. Let's see what they are.
First, Illuminati Interns. Lola wants nothing more than to find her long lost father, whom she believes to be a member of the Illuminati. However, the only way into the secret society is through their extremely competitive internship program...
On her journey, Lola must contend with her conspiracy theorist sister, a mysterious boy with a mannequin hand, and the nefarious members of the Illuminati themselves.
[CLIP - Illuminati Interns]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then, Ignite Climate Shorts.
[CLIP - Ignite Climate Shorts]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then this week's RPG, A Knight of Shreds and Patches. An immersive Genesys Actual Play Podcast following the adventures of the Patina - a motley band of traveling mercenaries.
[CLIP - A Knight of Shreds and Patches]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally, The Stench of Adventure. Stella Thomas had spent her whole life trying (and failing) to be a good daughter, friend, and partner. Then one day none of that matters because it turns out that her entire world was a simulation. Now Stella is thrust into a cold and uncaring universe, armed only with memories of a planet Earth that never existed.
Just when it seems there is nothing in the world for her, Stella is whisked away by a fast-talking totally-not-con-woman named Baz, who promises her a life of adventure exploring the galaxy. Well, she wasn’t lying about the adventure, but it’s not entirely what Stella expected.
[CLIP - The Stench of Adventure]
THE LIBRARIAN: And that's that. I think you'd best be off before the Director reappears, and if you have any further questions, please don't send them to the Director's twitter, @DirectorCoffee. That's very private and secret. Send them to the proper account, @AudioDramaDebut.
F/X - Door slam open.
THE DIRECTOR: You! Why is my phone constantly ringing? What have you done?
THE LIBRARIAN: Anyway, cheerio!
THE DIRECTOR: Get back here!