All of the words said out loud for S02E25 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Phone key presses, followed by phone ringing.
THE LIBRARIAN: Hello there. What do you want? Audio Fiction? Are you really calling me from the Library while I'm on holiday? I nearly spilt my thermos answering this!
Look, I don't care how many people are in asking about dramas, books, stories, actual plays or a few other things, I booked this time off, and I'm having a lovely time down in Brighton. I've been on a pier for most of the day, and I'm not stopping any time soon.
What do you mean I didn't put it on the calendar? What calendar?
I used the proper system. I picked up my suitcase, purposefully jammed my straw hat on my head, took a last long lingering look round the office, and then shouted 'I'm going on holiday! If I'm not back in a week, organise a search party.'
That's how I've booked every holiday I've taken since I've started working here.
No, I've absolutely no idea what outlook is.
Look, this is meant to be a holiday, and this really isn't very restful. And to be honest, I've been having enough stress here as it is.
For instance, I've come to the beach and so obviously I've got to have fish and chips. But absolutely none of the chippys have got any battered sausage. None!
Apparently it's all due to breakfast, but I've got no idea what mad people are eating battered sausage before noon. May have to get up early tomorrow just to beat the rush.
So I'm just sat here on the beach eating my chips and trying to...
F/X - Sea gull attack.
THE LIBRARIAN: My chips!
Right. So, the chips have gone. I have been watching that seagull, and keeping it at bay, for the last twenty minutes. And suddenly, you want audio fiction, and I'm distracted, and I'll never see those chips again.
Or my book. That is the last time I buy the pocket edition.
It's fine, I've got a whole bunch of relaxing podcasts to listen to to calm down, like this show about people falling in love through fanfic, this show about a haunted cafe, and this show about magic college radio hosts.
What? No, I'm not going to sit here playing the entire shows at you down the phone. I've got better things to do, like buy more chips, and go and stare wistfully at the horizon pretending I've lost someone at sea. Might do that thing where you yell someone's name and collapse to your knees. There's already been three this week, it looked quite fun.
Fine, fine, I can at least do you some trailers. That won't take too long, and then I'm back to the beach.
First, Mnemosyne. The war is over. Technology is evolving. Overpopulation and classism run rampant as the poor are forced underground. Space travel is real, and its first customer is the prison-industrial complex. Join us for a thrilling tale of mad science and rebellion, set in a 1960s-esque retrofuture where what's out of sight is not quite out of mind.
[CLIP - Mnemosyne]
THE LIBRARIAN: Then Starfall, a fantasy audio drama about the adventures of the Carouvel Traveling Acting Troupe - a theatre troupe that uses magical items to create illusions for their shows as they move around the Falstenian Empire. The story begins as the troupe is joined by Leona, a young warrior with a mysterious past and even more mysterious powers. With their new guardian in tow, the troupe traverses the continent, encountering the dangers of humans, fae, and greater forces alike, all while still trying to put on a good show.
[CLIP - Starfall]
THE LIBRARIAN: And this week's RPG is RPG. That's Realms of Peril & Glory. Journey through hilarious galaxies, adventure-filled worlds and mysterious continents in this incredible actual play podcast! Experience thrilling tales weaved at the table using systems from D&D 5e, Nibiru, and 13th Age to You Awaken in a Strange Place, Agon, and more!
[CLIP - RPG: Realms of Peril and Glory]
THE LIBRARIAN: And finally The Adventures of the Forget Me Nots. Zinkus McGee, second mate of the Forget Me Nots, didn’t mean to kidnap a kid. She definitely didn’t mean to entangle her crew in the latest schemes of a powerful family.
To stop their enemies, The Forget Me Nots will take on old rivals, new allies, eldritch sea horrors, and a sentient ship with an attitude. Join the Forget-Me-Nots on the adventure of a lifetime and make a little chaos on the way!
[CLIP - The Adventures of the Forget Me Nots]
THE LIBRARIAN: And that's that. Now please leave me alone, I've got to get back to the arcade, to have another go at the coin pushing game. I'm very close to moving a giant stack. Another couple of two pence pieces and I'm sure it's coming down.
But if you need anything in the meantime, please please just use the twitter, leave me alone. I'm on holiday, just, unless you've got like a seagull net, I don't care.
Er yes, use the twitter. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheerio!
F/X - Dial tone beeps.