All of the words said out loud for S02E34 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
Music - Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, through a door.
F/X - Record scratch, music stops.
The Librarian (through the door): Someone's at the door! Someone came! Is everything ready? There's cheese, wine, I've got a silly hat, excellent. Right, here we go.
F/X - Door opens.
The Librarian: Hello there! What's the password? You know, the password!
Come on, you say "the AI have flown South for the winter", and I respond "but the cryptids head for the Pacific Northwest". Then we both know we're in on the secret about the...
Hang on, if you don't know the Christmas party password, then you don't know about the... not a party we're definitely not having.
Fine, I suppose you've come to the Library of Audio Fiction for one of our dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things. Come in, and we'll get you sorted.
F/X - Door closes.
Help yourself to a... er no, I mean be very careful you don't accidentally drink that wi... that vampire cosplay fluid, and definitely don't eat any of my bacterial growth medium.
Take a seat and I'll see what I can dig up.
I'm afraid you've missed the game of pass the podcast, which is a real shame, that was great. I managed to unwrap this show about a woman trying to date a vet, this show about people having a party on a remote island, and this show about a cat.
In fact, do you want to get off the chair and I can put the music on and...
F/X - Knock at the door.
Excuse me.
F/X - Door opens.
Hello there?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post post, post!
The Librarian: Yes! But the Cryptids head for the Pacific Northwest.
Hello Doris! You've come to the party! And in costume! What are you dressed as?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post!
The Librarian: The Ghost of Christmas Post! That's very clever, well done!
Doris, the Post Witch: Post post!
The Librarian: And you bring a message, oh spirit? What is it?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post post. post post. Post poooooost.
The Librarian: Oh. Oh I see. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change my ways. I don't care what the Library's new guidance is, I'm having this party. Even if it's just me, like usual.
Now if that's all you have to say, you can be off.
Doris, the Post Witch: Post.
The Librarian: Ah, but before you go, do you want a biscuit?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post!
The Librarian: Oh no, look at that, all I've got are... party rings! Do you still want one?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post.
The Librarian: Go on, just one?
Doris, the Post Witch: Post!
F/X - Door closes.
The Librarian: Sorry about that, just a little haunting. Now, let's get you a show. How about a few trailers to whet the appetite?
First, The Green Lama. Back for the first time in decades, join Jethro Dumont--a.k.a., the green-robed Buddhist superhero known as the Green Lama--as he and his allies attempt to stop a gang war from subsuming New York City. Aided by the Riveter--a new vigilante that emerged as the Green Lama fought Nazis overseas--Dumont will face enemies new and old as criminal forces stalk the Lama from the shadows, manipulating the Big Apple toward a final confrontation that may lead to its utter annihilation!
[CLIP - The Green Lama]
The Librarian: Then, This Startup is being Recorded, a mostly improvised, comedic audio drama that follows a few executives building, and sometimes destroying, a company. This startup is fake - you’re not listening to an audio documentary. These characters are not real - you won’t find them on LinkedIn. They are making this up as they go along - for startups, this is normal.
[CLIP - This Startup is being Recorded]
The Librarian: And this week's RPG...
F/X - Knock at the door.
The Librarian: Oh, good grief.
F/X - Door opens.
The Librarian: Hello there?
F/X - Pleasing ding.
The Factchecker: This is untrue. AI do not fly south for the winter.
The Librarian: How the devil did you get here? I didn't send for you.
F/X - Pleasing ding.
The Factchecker: This is true. However, as the Library's primary factchecker, it is also my responsibility to ensure policy is followed, and all parties are disallowed by policy.
The Librarian: Well look around. Does this look like a party? Is anyone having fun? Am I having fun?
F/X - Pleasing ding.
The Factchecker: This is true. This is not a party atmosphere. Continue.
F/X - Door closes.
The Librarian: Rude. Right, back to the fun.
And this week's RPG, Lads on Tour, a D&D podcast about a stag do at the end of the world.
[CLIP - Lads on Tour]
The Librarian: And finally, Midnight Musicals, a series of horror and horror-adjacent podcast musicals, often with a Queer bent. Werewolves, serial killers, heterophobic pathogens, gay country-singing ghosts, and a spooky old house on a rather haunted hill.
[CLIP - Midnight Musicals]
Music
Narrator: Midnight Musicals Presents TOTAL HORROR SHOW
Whispered Voice: Sneak preview.
Woman (singing): OH, LOOK AT THE MOON
HANGING OVER
YOUR HEAD
OH, LOOK AT THE MOON
YOU MAY THINK IT’S BEAUTIFUL
BUT IT FILLS ME WITH DREAD
OH CUZ
F/X - WOLF ATTACK SOUNDS, PEOPLE SCREAMING
Woman (singing): I’VE BEEN STANDING BY
WATCHING IT CHANGE
MAKING EVERY
MAKING EVERYTHING STRANGE
SO I WILL NOT
BE THE ONE THAT’S CAUGHT
IN THE MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
LOOK OUT FOR THE BIG, BAD WOLF
IN THE FOREST
LOOK OUT FOR THE BIG, BAD WOLF
HE’S WAITING FOR YOU
LOOK OUT FOR THE BIG, BAD WOLF
IN THE FOREST
HE’LL SHOW YOU WHAT A LITTLE
MOONLIGHT CAN DO
OH, AND THAT MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
LOOK OUT FOR THE MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
LOOK OUT FOR THE MOONLIGHT
YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT
WITH MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
F/X - Wolf growl.
F/X - Radio Scans, Song continues on radio.
Woman (singing): OH, AND THAT MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD LOOK OUT FOR THE MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
LOOK OUT FOR THE MOONLIGHT
YOU MIGHT NOT MAKE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT
WITH MOONLIGHT OVERHEAD
Narrator: Episode one arrives next week. Stay tuned.
F/X - Wolf howl.
The Librarian: Right, that's your lot for this week. And for the year, so I hope you enjoyed them. The Library doesn't reopen until...
F/X - Knock at the door.
Oh for...
F/X - Door opens.
Hello there... oh. Hello Director. Let me guess, you're here to convince me to change my ways, and not have a party.
The Director: Convince? I don't have to convince you of anything, I'm the Director. You do what I tell you to. And I say... is that the Chateau Margaux?
The Librarian: Oh the wi... the vampire cosplay fluid? Yes, it was in the cellar. I know you like... erm cosplaying as a vampire, so I thought I'd get one out.
The Director: And you've opened it?
The Librarian: Yes. Haven't you got to let red wines breathe or something?
The Director: No, you... no, this is too important. Fetch me a glass, now, and that cheese, and then leave me alone.
And you, get out!
The Librarian: Er right, best leave her alone for now. If you want anything, please try our twitter, @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheerio!