All of the words said out loud for S02E35 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
The Librarian: Hello there!
I don't suppose you have a spare key to the Library? No, I didn't think so, you're a visitor. Course you don't. Never mind.
I seem to have got myself locked out, possibly for Christmas, so I can't really offer you any trailers for the minute.
All I've got is well...there's a bin over there? I can kind of give you what we've thrown away. Maybe that'll interest you. Take a listen, and I'll see you in the New Year? Hopefully?
Anyway, cheerio.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SkittyCat: I've pressed a button. I don't know if it's the right button, but we'll find out.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
Me: Do you want to listen to yourself as you go?
SkittyCat: No, I never do. I don't want to hear me, I sound like an idiot.
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SkittyCat: A wide awway...awway? Camewa? Camewa.
Me: Fetch Bwyan!
SkittyCat: Steve, Dave, fwetch Bwyan!
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SkittyCat: Instead, he's varnished...he's varnished? He's varnished everything. Oh god, it's the visitor. It's the visitor washing again...nooo!
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SkittyCat: You there. Stop lollygalling, lolly...ya. Of all the words! Words are hard.
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Me: A bad impression of a telephone.
SkittyCat: Generic screaming, which continues underneath.
Me: Hello? Is that Candy Matson? You okay? Do you need help?
SkittyCat: Yes.
Me: Hello? Lady Detective? Cool, calm, collected Lady Detective? Come in please.
SkittyCat: Continued screaming.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SkittyCat: Aww, cry more.
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SkittyCat: This is not true. Ohhh, it's that one, where I'm slightly sarcastic! Ahhhhh.
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SkittyCat: Roboteers, stand by.
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SkittyCat: A range of strange pretend fighting noises. Punch, punch, punch, wa-chow.
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Me: Anyway, cheerio!
SkittyCat: I'll give you fucking cheerio.
Me: Hooray, breakfast!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
Me: Or this show about the troubles of a new phone delivery app...that's not phone, it's food. Ring ring, this is banana.
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SkittyCat: While he does ensure that the Library of Audio Drama is kept well stocked...
Unintentional F/X - A phone starts buzzing in the background.
SkittyCat: That's my alarm.
Me: That's your go back to work alarm.
SkittyCat: Shut up. Yeah, it is my go back to work alarm.
Me: Go back to work!
SkittyCat: No! I refuse! I refuuuuse!
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
Me: A collection of stupid noises, collated from all the times I couldn't say a word.
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SkittyCat: I just need to finish this scenario with the best character of the entire series. You remember Doris? She's amazing.
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SkittyCat (in "Factchecker" voice): Thank you for visiting the Library of Audio Fiction, small feline.
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The Cat: Generic yelling.
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The Cat: More generic yelling.
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The Cat: Even more generic yelling.
Me: Shush.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SkittyCat (in "Factchecker" voice): That is an awful shame. I liked the small feline.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SkittyCat: Ergh...party rings. I am supposed to be afraid of the party rings?
Me: They're party rings. You've come to tell me not to have a party.
SkittyCat: Yeahhh?
Me: You want a biscuit, but you don't want a party ring. Okay. Important directing advice here - Doris has a moment of tension. She's told the Librarian not to have a party, because parties are against the rules.
SkittyCat: Mm-hm.
Me: She really likes biscuits. The only biscuits available, are the most party of biscuits, the party ring.
SkittyCat: But no-one actually wants party rings.
The Cat: Vehemently agreeing.
SkittyCat: I thought the joke was that party rings are terrible biscuits.
Me: No, it's that they're party rings.
SkittyCat: Ohhhhh.
Me: This episode is about how we're not allowed to have a party.
SkittyCat: I've never had a party ring.
Me: ...they're okay. They're not amazing, they're okay. But, they're biscuits, and Doris is all about the biscuits. You like biscuits, but they are party biscuits.
This is an intense moral dilemma. Reach into the depths of your soul, and decide what wanting biscuits, and not wanting party biscuits is like. And then give me that, but the use of the word "post". Some sort of mad panicking strife - "post!" for instance.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
Me: ...are party rings.
SkittyCat: Generally strangled cries.
Me: Do you still want one?
SkittyCat: Post!
Me: Go on, just one?
SkittyCat: Deep intake of breath...
The Cat: Incredibly specific yelling.
SkittyCat: So much corpsing.
Me: Cat, dramatic moment! Not helping!
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Me: Please, please, script, please, script!
SkittyCat: Script yourself.
Me: I do. Every week. I do the writing. It is hard.
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Me: You're going home in a St. John's Ambulance, no-one wants you without an RSS feed.
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SkittyCat: Oh the weather outside is frightful, any my wine is so delightful, go away Librarian, leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.
SkittyCat: I don't want to record anymore.
F/X - Cassette player button being pressed.