All of the words said out loud for S03E05 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped.
The Librarian: Hello there. Quick, come in. Try not to be noticed, there seems to be a lot of grumpy people about today. I'm hoping I can get rid of them fairly shortly though.
See I've realised that here in the Library of Audio Fiction, we've currently got something of a budget problem. It's looking like in the next financial year, there's going to be a reduction in the staff biscuit allowance to help us improve our profits. And I don't really want to give up my garibaldis.
Now having had a dig into our turnover, it seems like most of our operating costs are 'cause of the staff - apparently something to do with complex skill sets and decades of experience. So that's obviously the cost that needs reducing the most, and I think I've got a solution for it.
Algorithms.
I've looked into it, and apparently they're really useful for doing, well, anything, so I've tried implementing one into the Library's systems. Here, listen to this... START. IF public=1, CHECK if Hand=EMPTY. IF Hand(EMPTY)=TRUE, GIVE SHOW. IF Hand(EMPTY)=FALSE, TAKE SHOW.
I've tried it out, and it works really well - borrowing has gone up 4000% in the last hour, and that's just for that person over there!
Man, in distance: Please, just let me keep it! Or give it back! One or t'other!
The Librarian: The stats are going to look amazing. And no late returns.
So that should be able to lend out and retrieve our dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things without any intervention.
Of course, reducing staff costs does mean some firings. I did put a sign on the noticeboard asking for volunteers to take a pay cut to help the biscuit fund, but nobody signed up. Nobody volunteered to quit, either. So it's going to have to be sackings.
I started thinking about who might go, and obviously top of the list was Tim, in Non-fiction, but there's also lots of people I'd like to keep, like Mr. Fidget or Doris the Post Witch. Unfortunately, I think I've got to be fair, so I'm just going to fire everybody. They can always reapply if the algorithm doesn't go well. I've done about half of the building already, which I think is why there's all the angry people about.
It's getting down to the difficult ones now though. People I actually like.
Excuse me one moment.
F/X - Dialing, phone ringing.
The Librarian: Hello Doris, it's the Acquisitions Librarian.
Doris the Post Witch: Post!
The Librarian: Yes, nice to talk to you too. Are you well?
Doris the Post Witch: Post!
The Librarian: Excellent, that's good. Well I'll get right to the point, I'm afraid we have to fire you.
Doris the Post Witch: Post?
The Librarian: Yes, sorry, but I've got to fire everyone, it's not fair otherwise.
Doris the Post Witch: Post! Post post post post post post. Post!
The Librarian: ...where did you hear about unions?
Doris the Post Witch: Post!
The Librarian: And how many of you post witches are there?
Doris the Post Witch: Post post post post?
Crowd: Post!
Doris the Post Witch: Post post post post?
Crowd: Post!
F/X - Phone put down.
The Librarian: ...well I'm sure that'll be fine.
Only one more to go. Mr Fidget.
Deep breath...okay.
F/X - Dialing, phone ringing.
Mr. Fidget: Woof?
The Librarian: Hello Mr. Fidget. Are you being a good boy?
Mr. Fidget: Woof.
The Librarian: Excellent. And do you want a treat?
Mr. Fidget: Woof woof!
The Librarian: Alright then, if you want a biscuit, all you need to do is file for voluntary redundancy.
Mr. Fidget: Woof?
The Librarian: Yes, sorry, we're going to have to let you go.
Mr. Fidget: (Sad) woof.
The Librarian: Alright, talk to you soon Mr. Fidget.
Mr. Fidget: Whimper.
The Librarian: Right, that's nearly everybody. Only the Director left. She's not going to be fun. I need to get my nerve up though, so I think I'll listen to a few trailers first to try and prepare. Would you like to listen?
First, Connections. Hidden within the music, there are stories. Inside the stories, there are melodies. Connected, they create harmonies. Whether standing braced on a blustery seaside cliff, taking a new step forward into the unknown, or channel surfing alone through radio static, each story contains a unique insight into the world, its challenges, and the music that connects us all.
[CLIP - Connections: The Podcast]
The Librarian: Then, The Cosmic Game, which tells the story of God and the Devil as they try to outwit one another in an effort to gain influence over humankind. Based on the nightlife series created by immersive production company Drunken Devil, this sweeping, supernatural melodrama will take audiences on an adventure through time, as they encounter New Orleans vampires, Ancient Roman tyrants, death cults, and more.
[CLIP - The Cosmic Game]
The Librarian: And Xeno Realms: Sky Brother Force. When the tyrannical alien Citizen Scorn threatens to enslave the universe, it's up to the Sky Brother Force (Dash, Iris, Niko, and Hiro) to harness the awesome power of the mythical Space Beasts to save the day - even though they'd rather be pursuing their careers as pop stars. Hearts will be broken (repeatedly), space beasts will maul each other (violently), and ancient galactic prophecies will be fulfilled (accidentally), in this lively anime-inspired mash up about family, legacy, and destiny.
[CLIP - Xeno Realms: Sky Brother Force]
The Librarian: And finally Fever Dreams: A Pulp Collection. An anthology of pulp fiction stories - horror, crime, sci-fi, thriller - unified by a pulp theme, these stand-alone stories are edgy, dark, twisted, and strange.
[CLIP - Fever Dreams: A Pulp Collection]
The Librarian: And that's that. When you've gone, I've got to make the final call - need to fire the Director. I'm sure she'll understand, I saw her eat a bourbon biscuit the other day.
If you do find yourself needing to employ a Librarian though, I think they've started posting their resumes on our twitter. It's @AudioDramaDebut.
Anyway, cheerio!
F/X - Door slams open, letting in an angry mob.
Oh, hello Director.
The Director: What have you done!?