All of the words said out loud for S03E09 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
The Librarian: Hello there, you're joining me in the commentary balcony looking down on The Mall, as the entire country comes together to celebrate a hundred years of audio drama. Yes, I'm aware it's only been 98 years since the first one on the BBC, but the yanks managed it first, so we've got to have the...jamboree? this year. Don't worry, come 2024, I'm sure we can put together an even bigger party. And I'm sure we'll have better instructions on how to get here - I was lost for hours till I found my way to this box.
So the Library of Audio Fiction, honestly, mostly me, have put on this little display, celebrating a century of audio dramas, books, stories, actual plays and a few other things. There are a series of events, all of which will be related to the history of the form. For instance, earlier in the day I played a number of shows on my portable speaker, specifically this show about people trapped in a mine, this show about love not being allowed a nap, and this show about people sinking.
Then after that, we've had the ceremonial opening of the cake box, which contained this Victoria sponge, been sent in by the generous Mrs. Pergola of South Wales. Thank you very much. I've been enjoying it immensely.
Soon I think we'll have the ceremonial fundraising event, in which the entire community will come together, and form an incredibly long chain down the Mall, and pass the ceremonial twenty pound note down it. Then after that it's the taping of the colours, as some of the greatest sound editors in the field try to get the recording that best represents the colour blue. We were all a bit underwhelmed at the 80th anniversary when the winner was just a sound file of someone shouting "purple", so we're hoping they'll do better this time.
But the crowd is just beginning to fill up now, so we're continuing with the "record some crowd noises" event, in which everyone fills up their collection for the upcoming year. I think we've just done the cheering, and it seems we're on to booing now, possibly led by that bloke with the silly hair next to the big hat. Lovely, some really unhappy noises there.
Now I had been hoping that by this point someone was going to bring me the speech I was supposed to read out, but it seems to be late. Looking below me, I can just see a little old lady knocking on the door of the building. Does she have it? She looks rather grumpy, and is just... yes, she's taken a gun off that man in the big fluffy hat, and...
F/X - Rifle shot.
Good lord, she's shot the lock off the door. I hope that isn't my speech deliverer , as she's forgotten to give the gun back. She might be in trouble there.
Oh well, while I'm waiting for my speech, I suppose I can fill a bit of time with some trailers I happen to have with me. Let's see...
First, Tell No Tales. Leo Quinn works for Better Place, the world leader in ghost removal, but they’re having some doubts about the ethics of their work. They’re building a device that should let them capture the voices of ghosts, to prove once and for all that Better Place needs to start treating spirits with the humanity they deserve – and to unravel some mysteries in the process. A new queer paranormal fiction podcast.
[CLIP - Tell No Tales]
F/X - Radio static plays, scanning through various channels.
Music - Heartfelt corporate music plays.
Speaker one: Embarrassed about the icy chill that lingers in the guestroom? Anxious about the noisy Poltergeist in the attic? At Better Place, we know how isolating a haunting can be. Don't let your ghost be the only guest in your home. Reclaim your space with Better Place.
(Much faster) Terms and conditions apply, costs vary with spirit severity. The term 'better place' is used metaphorically and the existence of an afterlife cannot be guaranteed.
F/X - Radio static plays, scanning through various channels.
Music - Upbeat corporate music plays.
Speaker two: Having pest problems? You wouldn't put up with a house infested with mice or cockroaches. So why should you have to put up with a ghost? If cleaning the blood out the walls is taking too much of your time, or if replacing the shattered light bulbs is costing too much, Better Place can help.
Stop paying through the nose to fix the symptoms and go right to the source with Better Place. A one-off payment will get rid of your ghost for good. Visit our website or call us now on–
F/X - Radio static plays, scanning through various channels.
Music - Tell No Tales intro theme begins
Leanne: Tell No Tales is a serialized fiction podcast about ghosts, the people who hunt them, and finding out who the real villains are. Coming to this feed spring 2022.
The Librarian: Then, Mission To The Grey Hole. Epic Sci-Fi Dramedy set in 2268 where a Grey Hole is rampaging across the Universe and Earth may contain the only thing capable of fixing it.
[CLIP - Mission To The Grey Hole]
The Librarian: And The House of Consternation. Journalist Eric Baker has been missing since 2018. Recently surfaced are recordings of Eric Baker, and the discovery of a house that questions his reality whether or not it's alive.
[CLIP - The House of Consternation]
Speaker: According to the National Missing and Unidentified Persons System (NMUPS) over 600,000 people have gone missing in the national forests of America. Some of the most famous cases have been reported in the Olympic peninsula. A more recent case is a Seattle journalist by the name of Eric Baker, Who went missing back in 2018.
The last known sight of Baker was him leaving town to do a story about an urban legend of The house of consternation. There hasn’t been any leads or clues of Bakers disappearance. Until recently a small cardboard Box titled Eric Baker was found in the front of the Seattle’s police department. Inside there were only three items discovered. A broken door knob with dry blood stains, and an old recorder with multiple tapes that had a posted note that said “Play me”.
The recordings can’t be released to the public until May 13th. But when we do release them, we warn you that some of the recordings are quite disturbing and recommend to not have children listening to the tapes. This will be known as the tapes of the House of Consternation.
The Librarian: And finally, The Vesta Clinic. The Vesta Clinic’s newest doctor knows what she’s doing. We promise. The Vesta Clinic is a science fiction audio drama which tells hopeful and compassionate tales of sentient life from the Asteroid Belt and Beyond. Follow Dr Underwood as she pieces together the patients’ complaints into something like a convincing diagnosis.
[CLIP - The Vesta Clinic]
Music - The Vesta Clinic Theme
Faye Underwood: Patient: Ikogrisk, Ceresaur and ex-captain of the Fourteenth Guard of the Belt.
Patient: 'Maya', DPCC ID 0185505. Human.
Patient: Do'oo'too, Troglodan.
Patient: Orik Orikosint, Calibuman.
It says here that you're called 'Vesta Clinic Secretary Bot AX736 Model 3.0'? That’s a bit of a mouthful.
F/X - Computer typing.
Sec? You want me to call you Sec?
Sec: Affirmative ping
Faye Underwood: Uh, for the record, I’m not including Mr ZyQ in that list, he was actually sick and couldn’t really help where he aimed his pus.
We're in the Vessel Launcher.
Sec: Questioning ping
Faye Underwood: Stop - stop it!
Sec: Typing on screen, questioning ping
Faye Underwood: Well, because we're about to be launched into a vessel!
Dakarai Solari: Alright! Who’s catching the sharp end of this pipette?
Faye Underwood: Oh, you are scathing when you want to be! I'll use my doctor words when I remember what they are, okay?!
The Professor: I never programmed you to be so...
Sec: Typing on screen, questioning ping, typing on screen
The Professor: Oh, stop it.
Dakarai Solari: Xael, is everything okay, honey?
Xaelest Adra: Yes! I'm just - I'm trying to revise. So if you could both keep imminent threats to the clinic to a minimum?
Dakarai Solari: Yes, boss!
AMC (Creator): The Vesta Clinic is a science fiction audio drama about patients and their doctors . . . in Space!
Episodes will be released every two weeks on Thursdays starting on Thursday 12th May. You can find the show in your local pharmacist or . . . wherever you get your podcasts.
Can’t wait? Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss us. We’re on most social media sites at @vestaclinicpod.
We can’t wait to share these stories with you!
The Librarian: And that's that.
After this, there's...
F/X - Muffled rifle shot. Door slams open.
The Librarian: Hello?
The Queen: And hwhat do you do?
The Librarian: Oh, I'm the Acquisitions Librarian. I run the @AudioDramaDebut twitter account.
F/X - Rifle is racked.
The Queen: And have you come far...to die?!
The Librarian (strained): Anyway, cheerio!
F/X - Rifle shot.
The Queen: Release the corgis!