All of the words said out loud for S03E10 of Audio Drama Debut, my podcast showcasing new audio drama, fiction and RPG trailers.
F/X - Fountain pen writing, and then being capped.
The Librarian: Hello there.
Come in, come in. Take a seat over by the coffee machine, and feel free to grab a muffin...
F/X - Censoring buzz.
Ah, sorry. I apologise, but we're having a bit of a problem at the minute. The Library is currently trialling a range of possible content policies to see if any of them are useful in either getting more visitors in the door or improving the visitor experience. Today we're trying a bit of censoring, with the Library of Audio Fiction set up to make sure nobody hears anything inappropriate.
Unfortunately, it's not quite working correctly, and I'm finding myself being beeped at random moments. It's getting very difficult to provide our visitors with dramas, books, stories, actual BUZZ and a few other things.
For instance, have you tried looking at the "Favourites" shelf over there? I've been trying to assemble a collection of shows that people often request, or that are often recommended by other nosy visitor who can't help but interrupt, and telling people about them is incredibly annoying.
I'll show you. Come here and look at these. All beautifully lined up on the shelf. Have you heard of any of them?
We've got The BUZZ Archives, BUZZ 359 , Old BUZZ of Appalachia, The LoveBUZZ Investigations, Welcome to Night BUZZ, BUZZ in Space, The BUZZ Disaster, The Mistholme Museum of BUZZ, BUZZ, and BUZZ, and Fuck Humans.
See, incredibly frustrating. I've had to start describing shows instead, such as this one about a woman trying to find "the BUZZ", this show about a BUZZ therapist who's never had BUZZ, and this one about an advice show for monsters who want to romance.
The only thing I've found that doesn't get BUZZed around here is the trailers, as the system hasn't listened to them yet. Here, have a few to stop me going crazy.
First, SPECTRE. Space exploration is lawless, dirty, and inconvenient, but that doesn't stop Rho from seeking to recover lost memories and find her place in a universe that seems hell-bent on destroying her. SPECTRE is a swashbuckling space opera about the dangers of technology and the loss of humanity as a result of its use.
[CLIP - SPECTRE]
Music - The theme music begins, a haunting, dark humming that drones in the background.
Announcer: Space is lawless. Dirty. Inconvenient.
Atalanta "Atta" Harris: Who are you?!
F/X - A storage crate lid lifts, and the cargo bay of the Spectre erupts into sudden chaos. RHO is pulled out of the crate, plastic and metal chips spilling all over the grated flooring.
Warren Lee: The hell is this…?
Edward Whitlaw: Atta, release her immediately!
F/X - Rho dangles helplessly from the arm of Atta’s suit, gasping and flailing as she struggles to free herself.
Atta's Suit: Weapons systems activated.
Announcer: But that doesn’t stop Rho from seeking to recover lost memories…
Garyn Beikirch: How long have you been experiencing memory loss?
Rho: I… don’t know.
Garyn: And you don’t remember anything between your teenage years and now?
Rho: Little vague snippets, but that’s about it. It’s-it’s all one big, nebulous blur.
Announcer: Or from trying to find her place in a universe that seems hell-bent on destroying her.
F/X - An alarm blares overhead.
Macie Vincent: A group splintered off and went for Rho instead of the bridge. They got into her quarters…
F/X Unidentified shouts and screams fill the corridor outside the Spectre bridge door, and the music picks up to an electronic melody with a surging arpeggio that pushes the tempo forward.
Macie: Pretty sure they’re all dead… You should have seen it. She’s amazing!
Announcer: Join Rho and the Spectre crew for a swashbuckling adventure through space, one that is sure to keep you guessing until the very last episode.
Dr. Cicely Bennett: Dr. Amos, we’ve… we have a problem. It’s Rho. She’s… she’s gone.
Dr. Karl Amos: You can imagine that this news does not make me happy, Cicely.
Cicely: I-I know, Dr. Amos. It’s you–
Karl: Rho is a priority. Lift the live recall… Recovery agents have approval for shoot to kill.
Cicely: Karl, that’s–
Karl: Do it.
Announcer: Spectre: an indie, sci-fi audio drama. Coming to you anywhere you listen to podcasts in May of 2022.
Rho: Am I stuck here?
Garyn: Not up to me.
F/X - A door whooshes closed as Garyn leaves Rho alone in the medbay.
Rho: Excellent.
Announcer: Amnesia. Telekinesis. Piracy. What’s next?
Music - The music fades out, punctuated by a high-tone chord that reverberates into silence.
The Librarian: Then, The Testimony of Calvin Lewis. August Williams, a World War III veteran, is recruited by the government to test the new Uberman Device, which allows access to memories in a vivid, dreamlike state. But with a warning from a mysterious Man in Gray, August is unsure of who to trust. Told from the perspective of a U.S. Senator, The Testimony of Calvin Lewis blends together a political conspiracy, science fiction, and Christian philosophy. The story draws heavily upon works like C.S. Lewis’ Abolition of Man and Augustine’s Confessions, probing humanity's restless search for objective Truth.
[CLIP - The Testimony of Calvin Lewis]
The Librarian: And Storm Chasers. Dodds Aldon finally has the life he's always wanted, a life of adventure on the open sea! Along with his new friends, he joins a crew and begins exploring the mystical and dangerous waters of The Wandering Sea.
[CLIP - Storm Chasers]
The Librarian: And finally The Gorgon Show. Penny Cephalonia is a gorgon, snakes and all! In an effort to reconnect with her monstrous heritage, she started this podcast to interview fellow nonhumans (and the occasional interesting human)! Along with her oracle roommate Sibyl, who does the horoscope segment, and occasionally some commentary from her head-snakes, she'll explore the supernatural world with curiosity and charm.
[CLIP - The Gorgon Show]
Penny: You're listening to The Gorgon Show, a podcast about being a monster in a human world. I'm your host, Penny Cephalonia, and I'm a Gorgon.
Forbes: If I hiss something, do I get paid?
Penny: Forbes. You are a snake on my head. Where would you even keep the money?
I'm ready to introduce our very first guest.
Taraxippus: I'm a Taraxippus, or a horse disturber.
Coroniad: The coroniaids are a race of magical beings that we can hear any sound that is carried on the wind.
Monster: I do consider monster kind of pejorative term, so I would appreciate not being referred to that way.
Coroniad: Don't give away your secret weakness that can kill you instantly. Vampires and werewolves, I'm sure can attest really generally a bad idea.
Penny: It's time to look into all of our futures... Hi, Sibyl...
Sibyl: And that's me! The Gorgon Show is a new podcast coming to your favorite podcast platform soon from the Faustian Nonsense Network, my roommate Penny, lots of cryptid and monster guests, and me, the Oracle who brings you horoscopes straight from the gods.
That's The Gorgon Show G-O-R-G-O-N. And right now, my visions tell me that those of you who check it out will have much better weeks than the rest of you.
The Librarian: Right, that's your BUZZ for this week. Best get out of here before you go as mad as I am, but if you need me, feel free to contact our twitter, @AudioDramaDebut. I'm sure it has no interest in censoring anyone.
Anyway, cheerio!